Wondering Wednesdays – resting and presence

Recently Paul and I had a couple of days away on an all inclusive break where we just sat around and read and thought and created.  This was in the preface of the first book I read and I was very challenged by it.  Being fully present in the moment is not something I find easy but again I was reminded that I need to ask God to help me with this.

Rarely is life enough for us.  Rarely are we able to live restfully the spirit of our own lives.  More often what, where, and how we are living seem small, insignificant, petty and depressingly domestic.  We seldom notice our hunger and sleep, cold and warmth.  Rarely do we taste the coffee we drink.  Instead we go through our days too preoccupied, too compulsive, too driven and too dissatisfied to really be able to be present to and celebrate our own lives.  Always, it seems, we are somehow missing out on life.  Added to this restlessness is fear and guilt.  We live always in fear – about losing life, losing health, losing loved ones, losing a job, losing securities, losing youth, losing respect and losing ourselves.  As well, our lives are always colored by guilt – guilt about things we have done wrong, guilt about things we have not done at all, and guilt, at times, simply about being alive, healthy and experiencing lives pleasures.

While I find it difficult to be real and say this is me there are times I know this is me – it sounds so unlike how I want to be but I know there are times when I feel like I am living on autopilot and not embracing life in all its fulness!  I fear losing things which means I am not trusting God in the way that I want and I can feel that I should have done or not done so many things!

I have long loved the verses in Matthew 11.28-30 which talk about all those who are weary and heavy laden coming to God and I need to draw on those beautiful words rather than trying to carry on in my own strength.

Reference  Ronald Rolheiser  Forgotten Among the Lilies  New York  Image Doubleday 2005 pix-x


5 thoughts on “Wondering Wednesdays – resting and presence

  1. I think that one of the positive things that has come out of me being ill is realising how much I used to take for granted…things like being able to walk, drive and go out or at times even being able to sit up, talk and be with others. I remember when I was ill as a teenager that despite the fact I had always hated school I longed to be well enough to go-I wanted some ‘normality’ in life. Now I long to be able to work and even miss things I used to find mundane.

    As my health starts to improve I am being challenged about alot of things and the words you speak of in Mathew 11 are very relevant as is what you shared in your post. Whilst I should be able to be present and celebrate/give thanks for the fact I am getting better, I find myself living in fear and doubt alot of the time. I want to believe that God will totally heal me (and I do to a large extent) but I worry about the posibility of relapsing again; how people will react to someone who hasn’t worked (or really lived) for the last 5yrs; how things will work out financially with benefits changing etc…I wish I could trust God more. Like you I need to draw on the words of Matthew 11 rather than trying to carry on in my own strength.

    • I think most of us struggle to live all the time in the promises that God gives us. I also try hard not to be concerned about what others think but that is not an easy thing to do either. When bad things have happened I think trust is hard and takes time to rebuild. The snowdrops are out now and I always love the image of such a beautiful fragile plant emerging in the barrenness of winter.

  2. I’m beginning to realise that if I don’t stop, rest and try to find a way to let out whatever it is that is hurting inside then eventually, I won’t have a choice, it will just happen whether I want it to or not.
    But when I rest, the darkness crashes in and it feels like I’m going to break. So I don’t stop. When I could believe, I tried to lean on God to be there when I was weak and heavy laden but there was no rest, I didn’t feel safe to take care of myself and to survive at all. So like I mentioned before I had to stop waiting for God to be my hope or strength and find a way to just keep going on my own.
    Even though I know it’s not sustainable, right now I don’t know how to do anything else.

    • Sounds like you don’t have any coping mechanisms working for you at the moment which must be so hard. I imagine from what you say that none of the mindfulness or various approaches to meditation work for you. I still find that a long bath with a good book can give me rest but that sounds such a superficial response. One of my friends is finding art therapy helpful at letting stuff out. Wanted to reply to you and appreciate your vulnerability. With love and prayers, S.

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